charity's space

My eyes welled up with tears as I reflected.  My heart broke hearing about the deaths; the innocent deaths of students just like me. Being university students was not the only commonality we shared, as many were International Studies students, taking French and another loved working at a summer camp and seeing people enjoying life around them.

It reminded me again of how life on this earth is finite. Our days are numbered. I don’t know when or how I may go, but I hope that each day I do live, I live with intention and appreciation.  It doesn’t mean I will be bungee-jumping or marathon running every day to consider myself “living each day like it’s my last,” but I know that I want to “be” wherever I am and with whomever I’m with.  Whether it’s a deep cry or crazy dance parties, my goal is to be wholly present.

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.   Mother teresa

‘He was a loner,’ someone quiet and introverted. He wasn’t the one jumping around with his buddies at home sports games nor was he known for his awesome talents and good looks.  He was on the periphery of all that is considered cool and accepted. He was Cho Seung-Hui, responsible for V Tech’s mass killings.

I want to preface my continued reflection with saying that there was one person responsible for the killings on Monday, April 16, 2007 and that was a certain 23-year-old English major.  However, I can’t help but immediately think about the heart of Cho Seung-Hui.  He was quite a disturbed guy, but also human like all of us.  He had a heart that desired to be cared for and loved in a very real and unconditional way like we all do.

His void, though, was very large, which was apparent in his writings at the university, by those who barely even knew him and apparent in this tragedy.  As I am one who totally believes in that void needing to be filled by the only one who can, Jesus Christ (which I know is a very loaded term to some more skeptical), it is too late in the case of Cho.  But it is not for the future “Mr. Cho.” And whether or not you’re compelled by the love of a guy who gave his life on a cross two thousand years ago, I hope we are more cognizant of the need to love everyone around and not just the ones we “like” loving.

Like most tragedies, their “popularity” comes and goes in terms of media coverage and public attention.  But lessons and reminders can have longevity long after a new crisis usurps its fame.  And I pray we do learn to live in actions of love, even if seemingly small. It’s not the size of the act that matters necessarily, but the amount of love that is put into it.  If we are kept from doing small acts of service simply because they are small, then what a disservice that would be! Doing “saving the world” type things in a very public manner is awesome, don’t get me wrong, but the little acts of kindness that often go unnoticed by many, are just as powerful. 

I was driving to bible college class tonight and began thinking about something, while the continual stream of Christmas music filled the air.  My passengers were quiet—Tortilla Chips, Salsa and Milk—my snack between work and class.

I began thinking about something very specific and something I have thought about many times before…interactions. Specifically, female social interactions, like when two girls first meet each other.  It sounds like an obscure topic, but let me explain.

You see, often times when two gals meet for the first time there is often this unspoken kind of tension, jealousy, territorialism or fake appreciation.  This is not true for all girls and the grade in which gals give this off varies depending upon the person.  It’s kind of like that big elephant in the room that boys are oblivious to, but all girls knowingly acknowledge. And it ends up putting a thorn in any potential good or genuine conversation.  And it totally saddens me, because when I meet someone (guy or girl) I desire to be genuine. I desire to know them and care for them, like a sister (not a competitor in the race to win the cutest guy)...like how I would want to be treated.

It makes me even sadder seeing it so rampant in even Christian communities, churches, and ministries today.  And I know that this is totally an allowance for Satan to have a foothold in the minds of God’s children.  If a person has a real and raw relationship with God, a “born again” believer, then they have victory over death/all things (cause of the work on the cross).  This means that Satan can not enter and control the hearts of believers. However, he can have a lot of influence in the mind, encouraging us to live by the temptations/desires of the flesh and not by His spirit.

 In saying this, God does not want division among his church (translated as “believers”).  In John 17:21, Jesus prayed “that they all may be one,” united by Him.  And he goes on to say that this will be a witness so that “the world may believe that You sent Me.” Ever realize how diverse the Christian church is today? The various backgrounds, interests, and personalities, yet they are all united? It’s like when you meet someone of totally different background/interests than you, and yet have this immediate connection or bond, thanks to your shared love for Jesus Christ  And what a witness to see unity among such dichotomies!

 Paul even warned his friends to “note those who cause divisions and offenses, contrary to the doctrine which you learned, and avoid them” (Romans 16:17).  Now I don’t think many Christian gals intentionally mean to cause division among believers, but that is a deception of the enemy.  He almost sugar coats these actions to make them not seem so “sinful.” But sin is sin. God hates it all because he knows it hurts his precious sheep.  

 We are not to be of the world, but rather simply live in it. “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” (Romans 12:2).  Are we acting different than the caddy and divisive world because we have been saved by grace?

 If I humble myself before I meet someone and put them before myself, I never find room to compare, envy or spite.  That’s the rad part of the holy spirit and jesus working in us—we then want nothing but to bring glory to Him.  Soon will even forget about ourselves and just care about bringing a smile to His face, through the way we treat each other.

 Lord I pray that you would forgive me if I’ve ever acted in this way and I pray that you would keep me from harming my sisters as I live in obedience to you. I praise you for your grace.

Phillipians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things.

So I was running around RSM lake Saturday afternoon.

It wasn’t the normal warm, sunny day like the ones we've been having all fall down in California.  This day reminded me of Seattle.

Thick blankets of fog were hanging low, hovering the tops of the saddleback mountains, (which I get to wake each day, surrounded by).

I ran and even walked this day—different from my normal routine.

I took time to take in and observe, instead of my usual of breezing past those that lined my path.

 Living in southern Orange County is different from my suburb in Seattle.

All the houses are seemingly new. Shopping centers all in unison with Spanish style roofing and high-end products. Even their Payless Shoes looks like a modern day castle.

And you’d need time and straining of the eyes to find one car older than ’99 in the usual train of residential commuters.

I was running by the perfect family portrait of mother and father playing with their children, while enjoying a picnic on the lake…a woman half-a-century old wearing bedazzled warm-ups and speed-walking with her nose in the air…and the young, wealthy mothers walking with starbuck’s in one hand and their pampered pooch in the other.

I began to resent, envy and even judge their care-free, have anything and everything lifestyles. And then the lord convicted me, right there. What he next spoke, muted any further thoughts I had and cemented my steps—he said…that he loves them all just as much as he loves me.

I was dumbfounded. It’s so true. And it is by his grace that I am even saved.

Sometimes I just need to be reminded of the basics, whether it’s a soft feather of reproof or dagger of conviction.